The rule of thumb on marriage counseling is that couples call for help about six years after one of them has ‘checked' out of the relationship - either starting to shut down or increasing the level of criticism. So just in case you've noticed that things aren't going well, and you're wondering what you can do now, on your own, to turn the relationship back in the right direction, here's what might work now.  

The mantra you need to remember and say to yourself is "small things often".  An intimate adult relationship is based on an attachment bond - the unique connection between the two of you, physically and emotionally and behaviorally, which replicates the vulnerable, unconditional parent-child connection. It needs attention and care daily, because the attachment bond is based on the release of oxytocin in your bodies. Oxytocin is called the ‘cuddle hormone' and it is present in our bodies from birth, when we're cared for by our parents. We seek to replicate that primal connection with an adult partner. After the first rush of testosterone, which is designed solely to get us to ‘meet, mate & procreate', we maintain a committed, monogamous relationship by doing things on a daily basis that stimulate oxytocin.

That's why John Gottman's suggestion that there are 4 moments for connection in every day is such a powerful way to keep the connection, or re-connect if you're feeling distant. He noticed that successful couples whose relationships are strong pay attention to how they act toward each other at these 4 critical transition times. Here are the things that you - because you re the one reading this-can do: Research on successful marriages by John Gottman shows that couples whose relationships are strong pay attention to how they act toward each other at FOUR critical transition times during the day.  At these times, you must do one of two things: recognize and show admiration/appreciation, or give affection to your partner, without waiting for him or her to act first.

WAKING UP:  Starting the day with each other is the best investment you can make -- cuddle, whisper, and tell your partner how much you value his/her presence in your life.                                      

PARTINGS: Don't part in the morning without knowing one interesting thing that will happen in your partner's day, and tell your mate how much you value them. This is a great time to express your appreciation.        
                                       
REUNIONS:  Reconnect when you come in the door.... notice especially how your dog greets you, and try to do a lot better than the dog.                    

GOING TO BED:  It's important to have a ritual of saying goodnight, by expressing your appreciation for something your partner has done which mattered to you that day, and expressing your affection for each other. You may have to arrange a specific time, if your sleeping schedules are different - that's OK. You can still kiss each other before the first one goes to bed.  This is also a good time for sincere repairs (but not long discussions! The 10 o'clock rule applies here: NO hot topics can be brought up after 10 o'clock at night.                      

At these times, you must do one of two things: recognize and show admiration/appreciation, or give affection to your partner, without waiting for him or her to act first.

    ADMIRATION AND APPRECIATION:  Find some way to genuinely communicate appreciation toward  your mate by telling them what you especially value about them, or about something they've done recently.

    AFFECTION: Kiss, hold, touch each other. Even if you're busy, you have time for full-body hug as you pass each other....right in front of the kids. Hugs need to last SIX SECONDS to  ensure the release of oxytocin, reducing stress.
               
Don't make the big mistake of giving this tip to your partner and saying "Why don't you do these?"  Do them yourself, consistently for at least two months. and see how much difference it makes.  OR, you can sit back and wait six more years, and just see how it goes.