Holidays are stressful. When you add the mix of three other possible 'critical stress' periods to your relationship, what can you do?
 
What are the three critical periods we can expect in a modern marriage (with children)? When do you need to make an extra effort to spend time with each other, rediscover your partner's good points, and renew your intimacy?
 
1. Children: For marriages that start out OK, with lots of love, hopes and dreams, the first big rocks in the river of romance seem to come right after the birth of the first child, and again when the youngest child turns two.  Paying attention to each other, even for a few minutes, and acknowledging that things aren't great, that you want them to be better, will yield big dividends.  Its time to begin planning couple weekends... without the kids. 

2. Teenagers: The next critical point seems to come when there are teenagers in the house. My own interpretation is that young kids provide parents with an enormous amount of emotional support and admiration, without parents realizing how much... then they become teenagers and stop doing it.  It can be hard on the adult ego. The loss of this extra love can be devastating, and it's tempting to take it out on your partner. 
 
3. Empty nests: Used to be if you'd been married 20 years, you could count on being married for life.  Not any more. The age group in which divorce rates are increasing most are marriages of 30 years plus. The empty nest can be very uncomfortable for the two lovebirds who are left in it... alone together.
 
Remember to make your relationship your highest priority during the holidays - and throughout the next year. If you are already feeling the consequences of stress from one of these critical periods, it might be a good idea to gift yourselves with fun and supportive couples' classes together (like those offered by Marriage Works), or take the deeper step of couple's counseling.

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The Gift of Time

What's the biggest problem in modern marriages?  Couples aren't spending enough time together as a couple.  Instead of complaining about the lack of attention you're getting, either one of you can make a difference in your relationship RIGHT AWAY, by arranging to spend time together, away from distractions, even just coffee after dinner, and pay attention to each other.  If you do this regularly for a month, you'll be re-connected, and everything else will be much easier.

Where's the time in an ordinary day?

-15 minutes for tea or coffee after dinner, just to catch up - the dishes will wait that long, and so will the kids
-15 minutes in bed together, before you get up and face the day
-10 minutes for a shower together - anytime (Cleanliness can lead to heaven!)
-A walk together on weekends
-A half hour for a latte (they have decaf!) AFTER the movie, so you can talk about it before you head home.

SEND IN YOUR BEST IDEA FOR FINDING A NEW WAY TO SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME TOGETHER, THAT YOU BOTH  ENJOY.  Just click on the e-mail link on the ‘CONTACT US' page. We'll put them on the website.

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