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HOT TIPS, ETC.:
SCROLL THROUGH BELOW
We
recommend the following sets of tips - A B
C :
A: Some Suggestions To Improve Your Marriage
(from www.Smartmarriages.com)
1. Marriage matters. Married people and their kids do better on all measures of health, wealth, happiness, and success.
2. It's not the differences but how we handle them that separate successful marriages from the failures. Disagreeing and arguing doesn't predict divorce. Stonewalling & avoidance, contempt, criticism, and the ‘silent treatment’ predict divorce.
3. All happily married couples have approximately 10 irreconcilable differences -- 10 issues they will never resolve. What's important is to discuss our own set of issues just as we would discuss how to manage living with a chronic bad back or trick knee. We wish they weren't there, but what's important is to keep talking about how to manage them.
4. Love is not an absolute (a yes or no situation) and it's not a limited substance. Love is a feeling, and feelings ebb and flow depending on how we treat each other. We can learn new ways to interact and the feelings "of being in love" can come flowing back, often stronger than before.
5. Sex ebbs and flows. It comes and goes. That's normal. Plan for and make time for more "flows" - that typically means scheduling time for sex.
6. Repair attempts are crucial and are highly predictive of marital happiness. They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic, but the willingness to make up after an argument, is central to every happy marriage.
7. Learn to welcome, embrace and integrate change -- to discuss and update your wishes, hopes and dreams -- on a regular basis. The marriage vow is a promise to stay married, not to stay the same. Keep up-to-date with changes in your partner.
8. Try marriage education courses. They give you the tools you both need, so you can build the kind of marriage that you and your spouse want.
(from www.Smartmarriages.com)
1. Marriage matters. Married people and their kids do better on all measures of health, wealth, happiness, and success.
2. It's not the differences but how we handle them that separate successful marriages from the failures. Disagreeing and arguing doesn't predict divorce. Stonewalling & avoidance, contempt, criticism, and the ‘silent treatment’ predict divorce.
3. All happily married couples have approximately 10 irreconcilable differences -- 10 issues they will never resolve. What's important is to discuss our own set of issues just as we would discuss how to manage living with a chronic bad back or trick knee. We wish they weren't there, but what's important is to keep talking about how to manage them.
4. Love is not an absolute (a yes or no situation) and it's not a limited substance. Love is a feeling, and feelings ebb and flow depending on how we treat each other. We can learn new ways to interact and the feelings "of being in love" can come flowing back, often stronger than before.
5. Sex ebbs and flows. It comes and goes. That's normal. Plan for and make time for more "flows" - that typically means scheduling time for sex.
6. Repair attempts are crucial and are highly predictive of marital happiness. They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic, but the willingness to make up after an argument, is central to every happy marriage.
7. Learn to welcome, embrace and integrate change -- to discuss and update your wishes, hopes and dreams -- on a regular basis. The marriage vow is a promise to stay married, not to stay the same. Keep up-to-date with changes in your partner.
8. Try marriage education courses. They give you the tools you both need, so you can build the kind of marriage that you and your spouse want.
B. Highlights from Scientific American Mind special
section on love
February 2010 By Robert Epstein
Nothing is more
fulfilling than being in a successful love relationship. Yet we leave our love lives entirely to chance. Maybe we don’t
have to anymore.
How Science Can Help You:
Lessons on Love
1 About half of first marriages fail in the U.S., as do two thirds of second marriages and three quarters of third marriages. We fail in large part because we enter into relationships with poor skills for maintaining them and highly unrealistic expectations.
2 The fix for our poor performance in romantic relationships: extract a practical technology from scientific research on how people learn to love each other—and then teach individuals how to use it.
3 A study of arranged marriages in which love has grown over time hints that commitment, communication, accommodation and vulnerability are key components of a successful relationship. Other research indicates that sharing adventures, secrets, personal space and jokes can also build intimacy and love with your partner.
Love-Building Exercises
Here are some fun exercises, all inspired by scientific studies, that you can use to deliberately
create emotional intimacy with a partner— even someone you barely know:
1 Two as One. Embracing each other gently, begin to sense your partner’s breathing and gradually try to synchronize your breathing with his or hers. After a few minutes, you might feel that the two of you have merged.
2 Soul Gazing. Standing or sitting about two feet away from each other, look deeply into each other’s eyes, trying to look into the very core of your beings. Do this for about two minutes and then talk about what you saw.
3 Monkey Love. Standing or sitting fairly near each other, start moving your hands, arms and legs any way you like—but in a fashion that perfectly imitates your partner. This is fun but also challenging. You will both feel as if you are moving voluntarily, but your actions are also linked to those of your partner.
4 Falling in Love. This is a trust exercise, one of many that increase mutual feelings of vulnerability. From a standing position, simply let yourself fall backward into the arms of your partner. Then trade places. Repeat several times and then talk about your feelings. Strangers who do this exercise sometimes feel connected to each other for years.
5 Secret Swap. Write down a deep secret and have your partner do the same. Then trade papers and talk about what you read. You can continue this process until you have run out of secrets. Better yet, save some of your secrets for another day.
6 Mind-Reading Game. Write down a thought that you want to convey to your partner. Then spend a few minutes wordlessly trying to broadcast that thought to him or her, as he or she tries to guess what it is. If he or she cannot guess, reveal what you were thinking. Then switch roles.
7 Let Me Inside. Stand about four feet away from each other and focus on each other. Every 10 seconds or so move a bit closer until, after several shifts, you are well inside each other’s personal space (the boundary is about 18 inches). Get as close as you can without touching. (My students tell me this exercise often ends with kissing.)
8 Love Aura. Place the palm of your hand as close as possible to your partner’s palm without actually touching. Do this for several minutes, during which you will feel not only heat but also, sometimes, eerie kinds of sparks.
When your spouse is sick or in an otherwise vulnerable state, you may feel a need to protect and care for him, drawing you closer together.
Riding a roller coaster or experiencing other thrills with your partner can help you bond emotionally by boosting arousal and making you each feel vulnerable.
Studies in Intimacy
Dozens of scientific studies illuminate how people fall in love—and hint at techniques for building strong relationships. Here are 10 kinds of investigations that are helping to inspire a new technology of love.
1 Arousal. Studies by researchers such as psychologist Arthur Aron of Stony Brook University show that people tend to bond emotionally when aroused, say, through exercise, adventures or exposure to dangerous situations. Roller coaster, anyone?
2 Proximity and familiarity. Studies by Stanford University social psychologists Leon Festinger and Robert Zajonc and others conclude that simply being around someone tends to produce positive feelings. When two people consciously and deliberately allow each other to invade their personal space, feelings of intimacy can grow quickly.
3 Similarity. Opposites sometimes attract, but research by behavioral economist Dan Ariely of Duke University and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and others shows that people usually tend to pair off with those who are similar to themselves—in intelligence, background and level of attractiveness. Some research even suggests that merely imitating someone can increase closeness.
4 Humor. Marriage counselors and researchers Jeanette and Robert Lauer showed in 1986 that in long-term, happy relationships, partners make each other laugh a lot. Other research reveals that women often seek male partners who can make them laugh—possibly because when we are laughing, we feel vulnerable. Know any good jokes?
5 Novelty. Psychologist Greg Strong of Florida State University, Aron and others have shown that people tend to grow closer when they are doing something new. Novelty heightens the senses and also makes people feel vulnerable.
6 Inhibitions. Countless millions of relationships have probably started with a glass of wine. Inhibitions block feelings of vulnerability, so lowering inhibitions can indeed help people bond. Getting drunk, however, is blinding and debilitating.
7 Kindness, accommodation and forgiveness. A variety of studies confirm that we tend to bond to people who are kind, sensitive and thoughtful. Feelings of love can emerge especially quickly when someone deliberately changes his or her behavior—say, by giving up smoking or drinking—to accommodate our needs. Forgiveness often causes mutual bonding, because when one forgives, one shows vulnerability.
8 Touch and sexuality. The simplest touch can produce warm, positive feelings, and a backrub can work wonders. Even getting very near someone without actually touching can have an effect. Studies by social psychologist Susan Sprecher of Illinois State University, among others, also show that sexuality can make people feel closer emotionally, especially for women. There is danger here, however: confusing sexual attraction with feelings of love. You cannot love someone without knowing him or her, and attraction blinds people to important characteristics of their partner.
9 Self-disclosure. Research by Aron, Sprecher and others indicates that people tend to bond when they share secrets with each other. Once again, the key here is allowing oneself to be vulnerable.
10 Commitment. We are not that good at honoring our relationship commitments in the U.S., but studies by researchers such as psychologist Ximena Arriaga of Purdue University suggest that commitment is an essential element in building love. People whose commitments are shaky interpret their partners’ behavior more negatively, for one thing, and that can be deadly over time. Covenant marriage—currently a legal option only in Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana—is a new kind of marriage (emerging from the evangelical Christian movement) involving a very strong commitment: couples agree to premarital counseling and limited grounds for divorce. Conventional marriage in America can be abandoned easily, even without specific legal cause (the so-called no-fault divorce).
(The Author) ROBERT EPSTEIN is a contributing editor for Scientific American Mind and former editor in chief of Psychology Today. He holds a Ph.D. in psychology from Harvard University and is a longtime researcher and professor. He is currently working on a book called Making Love: How People Learn to Love and How You Can Too (www.MakingLoveBook.com).
How Science Can Help You:
Lessons on Love
1 About half of first marriages fail in the U.S., as do two thirds of second marriages and three quarters of third marriages. We fail in large part because we enter into relationships with poor skills for maintaining them and highly unrealistic expectations.
2 The fix for our poor performance in romantic relationships: extract a practical technology from scientific research on how people learn to love each other—and then teach individuals how to use it.
3 A study of arranged marriages in which love has grown over time hints that commitment, communication, accommodation and vulnerability are key components of a successful relationship. Other research indicates that sharing adventures, secrets, personal space and jokes can also build intimacy and love with your partner.
Love-Building Exercises
Here are some fun exercises, all inspired by scientific studies, that you can use to deliberately
create emotional intimacy with a partner— even someone you barely know:
1 Two as One. Embracing each other gently, begin to sense your partner’s breathing and gradually try to synchronize your breathing with his or hers. After a few minutes, you might feel that the two of you have merged.
2 Soul Gazing. Standing or sitting about two feet away from each other, look deeply into each other’s eyes, trying to look into the very core of your beings. Do this for about two minutes and then talk about what you saw.
3 Monkey Love. Standing or sitting fairly near each other, start moving your hands, arms and legs any way you like—but in a fashion that perfectly imitates your partner. This is fun but also challenging. You will both feel as if you are moving voluntarily, but your actions are also linked to those of your partner.
4 Falling in Love. This is a trust exercise, one of many that increase mutual feelings of vulnerability. From a standing position, simply let yourself fall backward into the arms of your partner. Then trade places. Repeat several times and then talk about your feelings. Strangers who do this exercise sometimes feel connected to each other for years.
5 Secret Swap. Write down a deep secret and have your partner do the same. Then trade papers and talk about what you read. You can continue this process until you have run out of secrets. Better yet, save some of your secrets for another day.
6 Mind-Reading Game. Write down a thought that you want to convey to your partner. Then spend a few minutes wordlessly trying to broadcast that thought to him or her, as he or she tries to guess what it is. If he or she cannot guess, reveal what you were thinking. Then switch roles.
7 Let Me Inside. Stand about four feet away from each other and focus on each other. Every 10 seconds or so move a bit closer until, after several shifts, you are well inside each other’s personal space (the boundary is about 18 inches). Get as close as you can without touching. (My students tell me this exercise often ends with kissing.)
8 Love Aura. Place the palm of your hand as close as possible to your partner’s palm without actually touching. Do this for several minutes, during which you will feel not only heat but also, sometimes, eerie kinds of sparks.
When your spouse is sick or in an otherwise vulnerable state, you may feel a need to protect and care for him, drawing you closer together.
Riding a roller coaster or experiencing other thrills with your partner can help you bond emotionally by boosting arousal and making you each feel vulnerable.
Studies in Intimacy
Dozens of scientific studies illuminate how people fall in love—and hint at techniques for building strong relationships. Here are 10 kinds of investigations that are helping to inspire a new technology of love.
1 Arousal. Studies by researchers such as psychologist Arthur Aron of Stony Brook University show that people tend to bond emotionally when aroused, say, through exercise, adventures or exposure to dangerous situations. Roller coaster, anyone?
2 Proximity and familiarity. Studies by Stanford University social psychologists Leon Festinger and Robert Zajonc and others conclude that simply being around someone tends to produce positive feelings. When two people consciously and deliberately allow each other to invade their personal space, feelings of intimacy can grow quickly.
3 Similarity. Opposites sometimes attract, but research by behavioral economist Dan Ariely of Duke University and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and others shows that people usually tend to pair off with those who are similar to themselves—in intelligence, background and level of attractiveness. Some research even suggests that merely imitating someone can increase closeness.
4 Humor. Marriage counselors and researchers Jeanette and Robert Lauer showed in 1986 that in long-term, happy relationships, partners make each other laugh a lot. Other research reveals that women often seek male partners who can make them laugh—possibly because when we are laughing, we feel vulnerable. Know any good jokes?
5 Novelty. Psychologist Greg Strong of Florida State University, Aron and others have shown that people tend to grow closer when they are doing something new. Novelty heightens the senses and also makes people feel vulnerable.
6 Inhibitions. Countless millions of relationships have probably started with a glass of wine. Inhibitions block feelings of vulnerability, so lowering inhibitions can indeed help people bond. Getting drunk, however, is blinding and debilitating.
7 Kindness, accommodation and forgiveness. A variety of studies confirm that we tend to bond to people who are kind, sensitive and thoughtful. Feelings of love can emerge especially quickly when someone deliberately changes his or her behavior—say, by giving up smoking or drinking—to accommodate our needs. Forgiveness often causes mutual bonding, because when one forgives, one shows vulnerability.
8 Touch and sexuality. The simplest touch can produce warm, positive feelings, and a backrub can work wonders. Even getting very near someone without actually touching can have an effect. Studies by social psychologist Susan Sprecher of Illinois State University, among others, also show that sexuality can make people feel closer emotionally, especially for women. There is danger here, however: confusing sexual attraction with feelings of love. You cannot love someone without knowing him or her, and attraction blinds people to important characteristics of their partner.
9 Self-disclosure. Research by Aron, Sprecher and others indicates that people tend to bond when they share secrets with each other. Once again, the key here is allowing oneself to be vulnerable.
10 Commitment. We are not that good at honoring our relationship commitments in the U.S., but studies by researchers such as psychologist Ximena Arriaga of Purdue University suggest that commitment is an essential element in building love. People whose commitments are shaky interpret their partners’ behavior more negatively, for one thing, and that can be deadly over time. Covenant marriage—currently a legal option only in Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana—is a new kind of marriage (emerging from the evangelical Christian movement) involving a very strong commitment: couples agree to premarital counseling and limited grounds for divorce. Conventional marriage in America can be abandoned easily, even without specific legal cause (the so-called no-fault divorce).
(The Author) ROBERT EPSTEIN is a contributing editor for Scientific American Mind and former editor in chief of Psychology Today. He holds a Ph.D. in psychology from Harvard University and is a longtime researcher and professor. He is currently working on a book called Making Love: How People Learn to Love and How You Can Too (www.MakingLoveBook.com).
C. FREE VALENTINE MAGIC by Jana Staton, PhD, LCPC
Four Magical Moments
for Connection in Every Day
There are four times in each day when a couple’s “attachment circuits” are on high alert, and most receptive even to brief attention from each other. If you honor these times of transition and “hit your marks” at one or more of these moments each day, your attachment will be strengthened, even if difficulties arise at other times. Research on successful marriages by John Gottman shows that couples whose relationships are strong pay attention to how they act toward each other at FOUR critical transition times during the day.
At these times, you want to do one of two things: recognize and show admiration, or show affection toward your partner, without waiting for him or her to act first.
ADMIRATION AND APPRECIATION: Find some way to genuinely communicate appreciation toward your mate by telling them what you especially value about them, or about something they’ve done recently.
AFFECTION: Kiss, hold, touch each other. Even if you’re busy, you have time for
a full-body hug as you pass each other….right in front of the kids. Hugs need to last SIX SECONDS to ensure the release of oxytocin in the brain, reducing stress.
The Four Magic Moments for Connection: Minimum time (more is OK!)
1. WAKING UP: Starting the day with each other is the best investment you can make -- cuddle, whisper, and tell your partner how much you value
his/her presence in your life. ……...1 min. 15 sec.
2 PARTINGS: Don't part in the morning without knowing one interesting thing that will happen in your partner's day, and tell your mate how much
you value them. This is a great time to express your appreciation.1 min. 15 sec.
There are four times in each day when a couple’s “attachment circuits” are on high alert, and most receptive even to brief attention from each other. If you honor these times of transition and “hit your marks” at one or more of these moments each day, your attachment will be strengthened, even if difficulties arise at other times. Research on successful marriages by John Gottman shows that couples whose relationships are strong pay attention to how they act toward each other at FOUR critical transition times during the day.
At these times, you want to do one of two things: recognize and show admiration, or show affection toward your partner, without waiting for him or her to act first.
ADMIRATION AND APPRECIATION: Find some way to genuinely communicate appreciation toward your mate by telling them what you especially value about them, or about something they’ve done recently.
AFFECTION: Kiss, hold, touch each other. Even if you’re busy, you have time for
a full-body hug as you pass each other….right in front of the kids. Hugs need to last SIX SECONDS to ensure the release of oxytocin in the brain, reducing stress.
The Four Magic Moments for Connection: Minimum time (more is OK!)
1. WAKING UP: Starting the day with each other is the best investment you can make -- cuddle, whisper, and tell your partner how much you value
his/her presence in your life. ……...1 min. 15 sec.
2 PARTINGS: Don't part in the morning without knowing one interesting thing that will happen in your partner's day, and tell your mate how much
you value them. This is a great time to express your appreciation.1 min. 15 sec.
3. REUNIONS:
Reconnect when you come in the door….notice especially how your dog greets you, and try to do a lot
better than the dog. ……….1 min. 15 sec.
4. GOING TO BED: It’s important to have a ritual of saying goodnight, by expressing your appreciation for something your partner has done which mattered to you that day, and expressing your affection for eachother. You may have to arrange a specific time, if your sleeping schedules are different - that's OK. Make sure to kiss each other before going to sleep. This is also a good time for sincere repairs (but not long discussions! The 10 o’clock rule applies here: NO hot topics can be brought up after 10 o’clock at night …………1 min. 15 sec.
TOTAL: 5 minutes a day! Now that’s magic!
better than the dog. ……….1 min. 15 sec.
4. GOING TO BED: It’s important to have a ritual of saying goodnight, by expressing your appreciation for something your partner has done which mattered to you that day, and expressing your affection for eachother. You may have to arrange a specific time, if your sleeping schedules are different - that's OK. Make sure to kiss each other before going to sleep. This is also a good time for sincere repairs (but not long discussions! The 10 o’clock rule applies here: NO hot topics can be brought up after 10 o’clock at night …………1 min. 15 sec.
TOTAL: 5 minutes a day! Now that’s magic!
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| Jana Staton and husband Roger Shuy |
About Jana Staton, PhD, LCPC, Director of Marriage Works:
Jana Staton is a marriage and family therapist with 17 years experience working with couples and families, and the knowledge gained from her own marriage of 25 years. She has taken special training in research-based marriage education programs, including the University of Washington (John Gottman Institute) and the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP®) at the University of Denver. She is active in the national Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couple Education and presents workshops at the CMFCE Smartmarriages Conference®. Her professional training is in counseling psychology (UCLA), and marriage and family therapy (Virginia Tech). She is licensed as a clinical professional counselor in Montana. Her family includes her husband, their daughter and two adult step-sons and their families.
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