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Do you have one issue that you are absolutely in "gridlock" over?
"Gridlock" is the word John Gottman uses to describe what many couples experience, including those happily married — one issue that you can't discuss without getting angry and retreating in hopeless silence. What's going on here?
Gridlock happens when there are two differing dreams or life goals that get called into play, sometimes over a seemingly trivial event. For example, some couples have different financial dreams which they may not be fully aware of, and have never shared — one is dreaming of early retirement from a stress-filled job, the other dreams of salting away money for a cabin in the woods. If the couple has never recognized these different dreams, or found a way to honor ‘both’, they'll end up arguing over the cost of a dinner out, and wondering why each other are being " SO unreasonable”.
The solution for gridlock is threefold:
1. Become aware and recognize each other's dreams that underlie your conflict.
2. Confront fears that each of you has about the other's dreams.
3. Work out a way of honoring both partners ' dreams.
Most people are unprepared for infidelity and unfaithfulness in a marriage or committed relationship… and… it's never easy. Here's the first of six things I’ve learned that may be helpful:
Monogamy isn't automatic just because you're married. At least part of our human biology propels us to respond at a non-conscious level to others who provide a good genetic match. So monogamy is a conscious human decision, a choice we make over and over again. This fact doesn't excuse infidelity, but it's a warning that partners in a long-term relationship must be aware of and careful about in situations and associations they encounter. Understanding infidelity is a risk for everyone can help you avoid it. Ignorance is no excuse — besides, having read this, you are no longer ignorant.
Many marriages recover successfully from infidelity. In fact a new survey found that 76% of men and women reported they were still married and living with the spouse who had an affair. 44% felt their relationship had "improved' since the affair. (Study by Peggy Vaughan, author of the handbook Recovering From Affairs).
We may be surprised to learn that the damage from an emotional attachment is usually worse than sexual unfaithfulness for both men and women. This helps explain the devastation felt by those whose spouses have “online” affairs with no sex involved.
Affairs can serve a positive function in a relationship — which is not to excuse them or the damage they do. Shirley Glass, who has studied affairs extensively, stresses that affairs are often a chance for people to try out new behaviors, to stretch and assume a different role. In a long-term relationship, we often get stuck in familiar roles. Unfortunately, the way a person is different in the affair would, if incorporated into the marriage, probably make their spouse ecstatic. She suggests asking not: "What did you see in HER/ HIM?”, but: “What did you like about yourself in that other relationship? How were you different? What would you like to bring back so that you can be the person you want to be in this relationship?” She points out that in the stories of what happened during the affair, people seem to take on a different persona, and one of the things they liked best about being in that relationship was the person they had become.
Some notes about research on whether
divorce automatically makes people happier.
My experience, and my clients' experience, would say that "sticking it out" when things are satisfying is definitely
worth it, IF you work on improving the relationship along the way. That’s a big IF.
For years, divorce has been
recommended as the best remedy for an unhappy marriage. Now a study suggests that "they got divorced and lived happily
ever after" is as big a fairy tale as the traditional ending.
People who divorce are not, on average, happier than
spouses who stay in difficult marriages, researchers say in a study for the Institute for American Values, a nonpartisan think
tank. Moreover, most who stick with difficult marriages are much happier five years later. Divorce from violent or destructive
marriages is certainly necessary, but results like these suggest benefits of divorce have been oversold.
For the study,
Ms. Waite and her colleagues asked people about both their marital status and personal happiness, allowing researchers to
find out what happened to unhappy spouses.
Of 5,232 married adults in the survey, 645 said they were severely unhappy.
Five years later, 478 of these unhappy spouses were still in their marriages, while 167 had divorced. Of those still married,
roughly two-thirds said they were now happy. Of those who divorced and remarried, 81% said they were happy, but, of all the
unhappy spouses, just 19% of those who divorced were happily remarried five years later. In contrast, 64% of the unhappy spouses
who stayed married said they were much happier.
This didn't explain why unhappy spouses who stuck it out became happier,
so the researchers sought answers separately from 55 spouses who had once been very unhappy in their marriages but didn't
divorce. There appeared to be three major paths from an unhappy marriage to a happier one:
1. Some couples "worked"
on their marriage, with counseling from professionals, clergy, friends and relatives.
2. Other couples
just endured, "just putting one foot in front of the other" until the problems subsided.
3.
A third way was to become personally happy, regardless of the state of the marriage.
The divorce report has
garnered praise from many marriage-watchers, but it exasperated others. "It just doesn't fit the rest of the literature,
clinical or otherwise," said University of Washington’s Pepper Schwartz, member of the Council on Contemporary
Families, which studies family changes. And E. Mavis Hetherington’s book, For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered,
shows a significant number of people - especially women - tend to do better after divorce. This book is based on studies
that have tracked 1,400 families for up to three decades finding that 60% of divorced people ended up with new partners and
a quality of life that ranged from "good enough" to flourishing. Also, the IAV study included "separated"
spouses, added Ms. Schwartz. Separated people are the most depressed - "neither in or out of marriage, that ambiguity
has severe emotional and financial costs." If separated spouses are removed from the calculations, the data show that
"actually the divorced people are happier."
In response, Scott M. Stanley, another co-author of the divorce
report, said separated spouses were studied both independently and as part of the group of divorced spouses. Even if they
are lumped together, he said, people who stayed in unhappy marriages "got an equal, if not better, shot at maintaining
well-being" than those who left.
The bottom line, advised Mr. Stanley, who is co-director of the Center for Marital
and Family Studies at the University of Denver, is that troubled couples should "go slow" in their decisions because
"the choices you make in pain may not lead to lessened pain."
JANA STATON, PhD, LCPC; Source: Article by Cheryl Wetzstein of The Washington Times, Tuesday July 23, 2002
Psychologists say many people will talk about anything, even sex, before they'll talk about their finances. Why is it so difficult to talk about money? Perhaps because money symbolizes different things to different people: power, control, security, or love, for instance. But you CAN live happily ever after, if you work at not letting financial issues come between you. Here are some tips for twosomes:
Neutral Zone: Don't wait until your spouse has charged up a credit storm. Your goal is to have a calm, relaxed discussion when there's no particular issue at hand.
Give a Little / Get a Little: To encourage your partner to do the same, volunteer feelings, experiences, hopes about money. Discuss how parents dealt with money, what money meant while growing up and in past relationships.
Know Where You Stand: You have to be honest with yourself to be honest with your partner about feelings. For example, if you're independent, it may be hard to be "taken care of"; if you have more assets than your partner, you may resent their carefree spending.
Differences as Strengths: Couples usually differ in money-handling philosophy – a reflection of different personalities. A financial conservative often falls in love with a "live for the moment" type. But differences are really complementary strengths. List positive differences, and then agree to use them to keep the family boat afloat.
Bring in a Third Party: If you can't seem to talk about finances, seek out a counselor to help you sort through financial issues. In Missoula, there is an excellent help available through the Consumer Credit Counseling Service, 543-1188.
1. Track Spending — A budget, which includes tracking spending, is the only way to really know where your money is going.
2. Agree to Disagree — Come up with spending and savings goals and guidelines for your joint assets, then let your partner manage their own spending money.
3. Designate a Bill Payer — One of you is likely better at day-to-day management of household expenses. It's okay to designate this person as bill payer, but the other person should be involved, know what needs to be done, and how to do it.
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